No sugar, no alcohol: did we forget to have fun?
30 OCTOBER 2016 • 6:0
When it comes to diet, exercise and drinking, sometimes it seems like we’ve ricocheted from all-out hedonism to obsessive self-control. Neither are particularly healthy, so how can we find the perfect balance?
A quick glance around women I know: one is fanatical in her sugar-free diet, another is organic-only.
A third is so obsessed with her yoga-toned body that on a recent business trip to the US, she pre-ordered a yoga mat on Amazon, had it delivered to her hotel room and then signed up with a yoga teacher on Skype so she didn’t have to miss her daily practice.
I can think of only one who isn’t on some kind of punishing regime, a slave to their Fitbit or in some self-improvement hell. Most are vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian or following a ‘clean eating’ plan.
Maybe I have a posse of freaks in my social circle, but I suspect the idea of ‘wellness’ has scooped us all into its net and, God, it’s hard work.
I am sugar-free but I will allow myself the odd apple
The modern drive is not just to be slimmer, healthier and fitter but also to be calmer, more serene, more mindful – to be ‘better’ is some indefinable way. It’s a quest so pervasive that we are in danger of forgetting how to have fun.
Rebecca Friedman, 47, a PR from north London, is typical of this new breed: a non-drinking yoga bunny (the one who can’t miss a day) who has been on a diet since forever.
‘As a default setting I am sugar-free but I will allow myself the odd apple,’ she says, like she’s announcing she’s just eaten five Crunchies. If I go mad now it’s two Campari and sodas, and I might stay up until 12.30.’
Unpicking why we’ve become this obsessed about being ‘good’ is complex. Is it an expression of our ever-increasing self-obsession – partly thanks to the heady cocktail of social media and celebrity examples: Gwyneth and Goop, the Kardashians forever eating huge salads?
Stir in a creeping health obsession, a terror of ageing and it’s no wonder we’re clutching at anything – everything – that might prove to be the golden ticket to eternal youth.
Louise Chunn, founder of welldoing.org, a website that matches clients with therapists, says, ‘Social media doesn’t help. Everything is documented.
'We see endless pictures of celebrities leaving the gym or on the beach, which is the stock in trade of some newspapers. We didn’t have to have toned abs a decade ago. Now it seems obligatory. People forget that celebrity social media shots are all manipulated; it’s a con to think you’re seeing into their glamorous lives.’
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Ruth Aylward-Davies is a psychotherapist who works in the City of London and Kent, and whose clients now talk of personal trainers, gym visits and constant dieting.
These are the same clients who will drink excessively and binge-eat at the weekend. ‘Any situation where we aim for perfection is bound to fail,’ she says.
Her clients, like the rest of us, are not great at balance. ‘People see things as either good or bad,’ she says.
‘It’s much better to aim for somewhere in the middle. People need to keep healthy in a way that is simply part of their lives so they don’t have to swing between extremes.’
Aylward-Davies is in favour of the 80/20 rule, which suggests that doing the ‘right-ish thing’ 80 per cent of the time is good enough. In fact, many people I spoke to talked of ‘diet maths’ – the idea that if you are ‘good’, you can pig-out later.
Gisele Bündchen in New York in 2002 CREDIT: WIREIMAGE
‘The phrase used often in our house is, “I’m allowed this” or “I’m not allowed that,’’’ says Tom Long, 45, a lawyer from New Zealand who now lives in London.
‘Since when did we have to give ourselves permission to do anything? It all feels like punishment and reward. I’m a grown man.’
‘I eat quinoa and salad all week,’ says Chrissie Dickenson, 60, a social worker from Devon. ‘Then I get to the weekendand think, “Oh, sod it,” and eat a Double Peanut Butter Magnum, which are basically like crack for me.’
‘It’s good for your general sense of well-being to eat well, get some exercise, look as if you’ve made an effort in how you face the world – but there has to be balance,’ says Chunn.
Being sick in your own hair is not a fantastic look past 30
‘If you’re chasing perfection – cutting out whole food groups, aiming for an iron-hard stomach, and feel you’ve failed, you’ll be hit harder by low moods and anxiety.
‘You’ve got to be able to let off steam, enjoy yourself and have a treat without feeling that you’ll career into a physical and mental reversal. All of this is part of trying to deal with the fact that “life is full of surprises – and most of them are bloody awful”.
‘Some people, tryingto deal with these thoughts, and imagining the chaos that could be around the corner, want to control as much of their life as possible as a result. But life doesn’t play along. We’re probably better to be a little easieron ourselves, so that tough times won’t feel like such a catastrophe.’
Penny Brewer, 42, a writer from Hastings, was brought up by a mother permanently on a diet who would eat a cake and then, looking crestfallen, say, ‘Oh, I wish I hadn’t done that.’
‘So I eat really healthily, but when I have a cake, I never allow myself to regret it. I just enjoy it,’ she says.
‘Last weekend my husband and I went to San Sebastian in Spain and had an amazing meal that was 25 courses. It was probably 4,000 calories and I enjoyed every single one of them.’
That’s the way to go, then. When you’re ‘naughty’ – and I use that word carefully, because we are adults after all – the trick is to allow yourself to luxuriate in it. Which begs the question of what we do for fun.
‘Maybe it’s an age thing,’ says Abigail Buck, 45, a researcher from Hove, who doesn’t touch alcohol, wheat or sugar. ‘Your body tells you not to do things. It starts to hurt. So I stick to my regime and as I give things up I realise how much better I feel.’
So what does fun look like? ‘Shopping. I get a huge adrenaline kick from spending a couple of hundred quid at the garden centre. That’s what gets my heart pumping.’
Others I spoke to let rip by drinking, eating Green & Black’s and going out with friends. (‘Though unlike the old days, we all want to be home by midnight.’)
The definition of a good time changes as you age too; being sick in your own hair is not a fantastic look past 30. ‘The trouble is that you get a bit older and think that the things you used to find fun will still be fun,’ says Rebecca, the yoga bunny.
‘Fun used to be partying hard, three bottles of wine, lots of people talking rubbish, getting into slight scrapes. But thatis absolutely not fun any more. I’m more moderate – except about exercise, because when I don’t do yoga, I don’t feel good.
‘And last time I drank too much I felt so rough I didn’t get any pleasure from it at all, so there’s no point. It’s a questionof working out what fun means now. For me, it’s quite simple things: a walk with friends, cooking a nice meal, travel, having new experiences. Those are my drugs of choice these days.’
At a glance | How to strike the right balance between healthy living and pleasure
Look at the patterns of what you do and why you do it. Letting off steam is useful, says psychotherapist Ruth Aylward-Davies, ‘but can sometimes be about “numbing out” – whether that is drinking or eating too much, even exercising to extremes – you are not really feeling, tasting, experiencing what you are doing.’
Consistent lack of balance could indicate an underlying emotional issue, agrees Mary Strugar, a nutritionist and psychotherapist who works with people who have eating disorders and addictions. ‘Sometimes people have enormous problems that are played out through food.’
Strugar recommends getting your iron, vitamin D, glucose levels and thyroid function checked. ‘Often people are doing quite wacky things with diet and they are ignoring the basics rather than approaching this in a balanced, sensible, systematic way.’
Strugar also suggests avoiding what she calls the ‘piecemeal approach’ (eg ‘My friend gave up wheat and she felt so much better, so I’ll try it.’). Have at least one session with a qualified nutritionist. To get out of what she calls the ‘binge/crave’ cycle, you have to look at – and often alter – your fundamental way of eating.
Remember there are different ideas of balance for different people.Because we have different psychological make-ups it’s about trying to figure out a balance that you can be happy with and that will work for you.